Published on Tuesday, 11 December 2012 15:42
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Editor's Comments: This article had been "recycled" several times before it was printed in the December, 1966 Gazette. In fact, it may have been "recycled" several times since then, with updates to the make and model of cars described. It gives an insight into the types of cars, advertising campaigns and "personna" of those who drove such cars. Some younger readers may not recognize all of the vehicles described, and the article may be considered "politically in-correct" by today's standards. What a shame.

 

HOW TO RALLYE IN A...

(Stolen from The Stopwatcher, who stole it from Volvo Views, who stole it from The Exhaust, who stole it from The Alexanders Motorsport News. Passed to us by CHUCK VAN NOSTRAND.)

VALIANT: Wear a black driving suit with luminescent orange strips. Try to sell Valiants. Look important. Drive at 100-plus. Tell every checkpoint he is at least 7 1/2 feet out of position and that his watch is two seconds slow. Never rallye with less than three Haldas. Streamline the car with racing stripes. Scribe cracks in the windshield and hammer dents into the roof. Look tough.

VOLVO 122S: Wear your safety harness even when not in the car. Distribute illustrated folders of the l964 Shell 1000. Snap your fingers and say “L’Acceleration comme ca!” Say your navigator is a product of Superb Swedish Engineering. Outrun other compacts and make them cough.

VOLVO l800S: Be friendly. Pull over for everyone. Have Irish coffee and buns with every control, whether on or off route. Say your car is “just darling.” Always carry at least 2O lbs. of maps. Never give up.

CITROEN: Wear a dark trench coat and smoke Algerian cigarettes in a holder. Say “sacre bleu” and “mon dieu why do zey not up ze average ici?” Call your navigator “Francois,” walk up to the control making little hydraulic noises to yourself. Know how to pronounce “Citroen.”

CORVAIR: Be familiar with such expressions as “4-speed stick” and “simulated wire wheel covers” and “heel-and-toe bracket.” Carry three fan belts over each shoulder. Know where Monza is and how to spell “Spyder.” Say the Ford Falcon is not a true compact. Optional at extra cost.

RENAULT R8: Be daring. Wear a blue beret and wrap-around sunglasses. Say “Zut” and “alors” and “chacun a son Renault!” Hang the tail well out on all corners. Mince up everyone in sight and whisper into their faces, “disc brakes!”

VW 1200: Be fanatic. Be dependable. Run flat-out all the time. (3600 rpm). Chew vociferously on chunks of Knackwurst und Kase. Call your navigator “ein Dunmkopf.” Call the exhaust pipes “Huspuffrohren,” When asked, be unfamiliar with such things as “economy car” and “over-steer” and “wind sensitivity.” Slide sideways around corners, yelling “sieg heil!” and “Wolfsburgruber alles!” Say the Porsche is an expensive VW. Say the 1500 is not a true VW. Say the Ford Falcon is not a true fastback.

VW l500: Be fluent with such expressions as “twin carburetors? and “twin trunks,” and “S.” Challenge people to find the engine. Know how to find the engine.

FORD FALCON: Run with straight pipes and at least 3 degrees rake. Know how to pronounce “Ljungfeldt.” Be familiar with expressions such as “simulated wood-rimmed steering wheel,” “total performance (memorize this), “King of the Mountains,” “King of the World,” “King.” Carry suitcases full of shock absorbers. Never rallye with less than 9 driving lights. Streamline this car, too, with racing stripes. When asked, be familiar with such things as “Weber carburetors” and “fiberglass” and “Mini Cooper.” Optional at extra cost.

TR-4: Turn up your nose at “sporty compacts.” Arrive at every control half an hour early, drifting in sideways and showering the control car with gravel. Say, “ruddy good sports” and “ripping good fun” and “I say, you chaps wouldn’t have any bitter lemons would you?”

MINI COOPER: Make sure everyone around knows who you are even without your car on. Be diabolical. Suck everyone into turns at 80. Know how to come out of such turns. Avoid large potholes. Avoid large dogs. Wear a turtle-neck sweater and grin incessantly (except when being passed on a straight road). Talk Irish. Say, “look, ma - no springs”

PORSCHE: Look like a count. Wear black boots and an Eisen Kreuz. Shift gears rapidly and constantly even when not in the car. Say, “Ze Porsch-up ist de essence of efreesing vas a motorcar jst” and “Vhy do rhally instructions alviss in Enklish ist?”

JAGUAR XKE: Shift slowly. Know how to use the trouble to play “Rule, Britannia” on the exhaust pipes. At night, turn off the headlights and fly by the instruments. Avoid rough roads. Calll the rallye organizers “stupid clots.” Fill the windscreen washers with gin and tonic. Say, “every troo spohts cah has thrrree windscreen wipahs

MG TF: Wear baggy, tweedy pants, an “old school” cravat, have long, straight hair and smoke a pipe. Say no true sports car has roll-up windows. Carry an inner-tube patching kit.

SAAB: Flip the car at the slightest opportunity, especially when passing controls. Know what “Saab” stands for. Look like Eric Carlsson. Say lring-a-ding-ding” and “Veil, ay was yoost koming ‘round de corner yen ay see dis anteater...”

FERRARI: Scream into corners gesticulating madly with both hands. Calil your navigator “il passagiere” and ask him, “Ayy, Luigi, vats-a-matta, you crazee?” Tell everyone you finished the Canadian Winter Rallye. Say, “Ayee, piean, data-a- da-real-a-Fazazz” and “Mama mia, am-a start opp in-a fift’ again!”

TRIUMPH SPITFIRE: Turn 24-foot circles around the control car, roiling the windows up and down furiously. Act sassy.

AUSTIN HEALEY 3000: Make sure at the start that you have been given a “Special Rallye Route.” Say the TR-4 is not a true sports car.

MGB: Wear a rubber skin-diving suit and carry skis on the boot. Say the TR-4 is a &$”@%#!

RAMBLER AMERICAN: Nobody rallies in a Rambler American.